Teens in Chronic Pain

One problem commonly faced by those in chronic pain is a feeling of inferior or having a poor self-image of yourself. It’s easy to think less of yourself when you are in a lot of pain. Whether it’s the fact you are in a wheelchair, using crutches, have numerous scars, don’t have the ideal body because you can’t work out in ways the average person can, or simply have a bad hair day because the pain kept you up all night, it can be hard to feel attractive and confident in yourself.

David, the man after God’s own heart, had a best friend named Jonathan, who was the son of Saul (the first king of Israel). After David had become king, Jonathan passed away. Jonathan left behind just one son (the others had also passed away) named Mephibosheth. He was lame in both feet and had such low self-esteem that he called himself a stray dog. [2 Samuel 9:1-13]

Because Mephibosheth was Jonathan’s son, David took care of him by giving him all the property that once belonged to Saul, and invited him to eat at the king’s table as if he were one of David’s own sons. Likewise, God is looking out for us and has glorious plans in store for us.

“For I know the plans I have for you. They are plans for good and not disaster, to give you a future and a hope.” - Jeremiah 29:11

It’s easy to get down on yourself, but I try to remember how much God loves me and it boosts my own self-confidence. Sometimes I forget just how much God truly loves me. And by forgetting that incredibly crucial fact, I allow myself to point ot my many flaws and imperfections. I look at how I don’t measure up and how so many of my peers are doing better at X and Y (even though I know I shouldn’t be comparing). I sometimes struggle to see why He loves me this much when He’s God, the creator of this amazing and incredibly intricate universe.

Verses that help remind me of His love for me…

Galatians 2:20 - “So I live in this earthly body by trusting in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me.”

Ephesians 2:10a - “For we are God’s masterpiece…”

Psalm 139:13-18 - “For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be. How precious to [a] me are your thoughts, O God! How vast is the sum of them! Were I to count them, they would outnumber the grains of sand. When I awake, I am still with you.”

Matthew 10:29-30 - “Are not two sparrows sold for a penny[a]? Yet not one of them will fall to the ground apart from the will of your Father. And even the very hairs of your head are all numbered.”

Luke 12:7 - “Indeed, the very hairs of your head are all numbered. Don’t be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows.”

Genesis 1:27 - “So God created human beings in his own image. In the image of God he created them.”

So why do I ever feel inferior and question God’s love for me? Stupidity and human nature, I guess.

I haven’t posted on this blog in over two months, which is ridiculous when I think of it. I can list off the excuses from work to moving to Chicago for the summer to a variety of other factors, but that’s crap. If I truly believed that this issue was important, I’d find the time to blog about this topic. While I certainly believe this issue of young adults living with chronic pain is critical, I certainly have not acted on this belief. And I apologize to those of you who have come across this blog over the past month.

I have been doing better. The pain is still always there, but my attitude towards it has changed. Before, I would let the intense throbbing prevent me from participating in certain activities. I would use it as an excuse to withdraw into my own little world, which only further intensified my loneliness and pain. Lately, I’ve pushed past my pain determined that it wasn’t going to stop me from doing the things I truly care about.

My roommate from home came to visit in Chicago with her mom earlier this week. I was having a terrible pain day, but decided to overcome it. I chose not to discuss the pain with my friend. We walked over two miles along Lake Michigan and had a wonderful evening. Even though the knee killed by the time I got back to my room, it was worth it and the fact that I never brought it up to her made it even better.

It’s something I still struggle with. Last night and tonight, my knee was hurting and I decided to stay in instead of going out with my friends. As I sit here typing this post, I feel lonely. But why should I feel lonely? I had friends that I could have gone out with, but opted to stay in. It’s dumb reasoning on my part, but I guess emotions aren’t very rational.

When you deal with chronic pain, half of the battle is the emotional pain that accompanies it. It’s hard to explain what I mean exactly by that statement to those that have never dealt with the constant pain day in and day out for years. At first, you experience the anger of learning that you may live with this for the rest of your life. After that, it turned to loneliness and a brief period of depression where I hid from my friends, cried daily, and couldn’t see the light. By making a conscientious effort to see my friends and focus on things other than my painful situation, I was able to climb out of that dark valley. Sure there are days where it’s easy to see what’s wrong, but those days have thankfully become less and less frequent. Then it’s frustration. You have good days where you feel wonderful and new again. But then the following day, you feel like your body has betrayed you and you’ve taken a painful step back.

On another note…
Pain has been such a big part of my life for five years now and I find that I bring it up way too much. Why do I do that? Is it because I yearn for the attention? The sympathy from my friends and co-workers? Am I obsessed with this struggle? Is it simply because it’s such a huge piece of who I am and where I have come from?

I find it quite easy to talk about myself and I’ve told my knee story countless times. As such, I struggle with leaving it out. Why do I feel compelled to tell people about it? Certainly, it’s important to share it with my close friends and my small group because it is such a big part of my life. But it is totally not necessary to mention it to people I have just met. I need to work on keeping my mouth shut and only bringing it up when it’s important to do so.

I have one last shot at getting approval for my required medial meniscus transplant. We can send in any documentation that we feel shows why I should have this surgery to the insurance External Review Board. This board is “above” Blue Cross Blue Shield so what they say goes, but apparently this board rarely overturns the insurance company’s denial. Along with letters from my surgeon, pain specialist, and physical therapist, as well as studies showing how meniscus allograft transplants can improve one’s quality life, I’m sending the following essay:

To Whom It May Concern:

My name is Christy Hammond, and I am a 21-year-old student attending the University of Michigan. Blue Cross Blue Shield of Michigan recently denied my request for a medial meniscus transplant for my left knee, which my surgeon Dr. Frank Noyes believes will reduce my pain level by half. I am writing this letter to appeal to you and personally ask for you to please reconsider through the External Review Board.

While growing up in Michigan, I was the definition of a tomboy. I lived to play sports and was active around the clock and year round. Like many young kids, I wanted to become an Olympic sprinter. As I grew older, I soon realized that I would never be fast enough to achieve that dream. However, my love for the sport of track and field persisted. I ran the 100m dash and started the 4×100m relay in sixth grade and continued through tenth grade. As a freshman in high school, I took sixth place at regionals for my division.

In my sophomore year of high school (2003), I tore my ACL during the first hour of basketball tryouts. After a lot of hard work in rehab and countless hours in the weight room, I was able to return to my beloved sport. While my 4×100m relay team finishing fifth at regionals was certainly great, my proudest track accomplishment was actually improving my 400m time by nine seconds following my ACL reconstruction. Unfortunately, that race was my last one.

In the summer of 2003, my knee buckled while I was on vacation, and I was never able to run again. I do not know if I can ever accurately describe the emotional pain that I feel when I watch my friends and former teammates run. Running is such a beautiful joy that I miss terribly. When my surgeon told me that at the age of 17 it was unlikely I would ever run again, I cried and begged God to let me run again.

Continue Reading »

I was sitting in church listening to that week’s “Slice of Life” speaker, Sarah, as she was talking about the pain of overcoming a serious motorbike accident that resulted in a major leg surgery. She couldn’t do most things she used to be able to do and nine months later is finally starting to return to some activity.

One of the sentences she said in her brief talk stuck out to me. She said:

I have learned to walk not by my own strength, but by the power of the Holy Spirit.

That’s so simple, yet such a powerful statement at the same time. For the first few surgeries, I certainly tried to walk by my own strength and will. However, I finally learned that I could not do it myself. I needed Him to prop me up when the pain got bad and even when things started clicking during physical therapy. It can still be a daily struggle to rely fully on the strength of the Lord Almighty, but I try. Because if God is for me, than who could possibly be against me? It’s a great feeling to be confident and reliant on God’s strength and love.

Here are some of my favorite quotes from the great book “Disappointment with God” by Philip Yancey. I love his book, Where is God when it hurts?, which addresses the issues of physical pain and suffering. This book, “Disappointment with God,” looks at the emotional pain of disappointment, which can certainly be a commonly felt emotion as a teenager with chronic pain.

A single, elegant sentence from Isaiah summarizes God’s point of view: “In all their distress he too was distressed.” God may have hidden his face, but that face was streaked with tears. - p. 96

As we saw with Jesus’ time on this earth, his heart was filled with compassion when he saw those ill and hurting. We see him take the time to heal many even when he was grieving over a friend’s death.

If I wonder how God views deformed or disabled people, I can watch Jesus among the crippled, the blind, and those with leprosy. If I wonder about the poor, and whether God has destined them to lives of misery, I can read Jesus’ words in the Sermon on the Mount. And if I ever wonder about the appropriate “spiritual” response to pain and suffering, I can note how Jesus responded to his own: with fear and trembling, with loud cries and tears. - p. 137-138

“Endurance is not just the ability to bear a hard thing, but to turn it into glory.” - p. 173

By no means can we infer that our own trials are, like Job’s, specially arranged by God to settle some decisive issue in the universe. But we can safely assume that our limited range of vision will in similar fashion distort reality. Pain narrows vision. The most private of sensations, it forces us to think of ourselves and little else.

From Job, we can learn that much more is going on out there than we may suspect. Job felt the weight of God’s absence; but a look behind the curtain reveals that in one sense God had never been more present. - p. 264

Today I learned that my insurance company, Blue Cross Blue Shield of Michigan, denied my request for a medial meniscus transplant for the third time. The first two attempts were done via letter and the most recent attempt was a half hour in-person conference on February 14th. They apparently sent a letter the first weekend of spring break notifying me that they decided to deny my request once again. My mom and dad decided not to tell me until today when I stopped by my parent’s house on my way back to Ann Arbor from working in Detroit.

My parents gave me the three paged letter saying that I was denied again and that I had two more options: appeal to an external insurance board or a civil lawsuit. We don’t know which step we will be taking next as we want to make sure that if we appeal to the board, that won’t eliminate the option to file a civil lawsuit if I’m denied once again.

I don’t think I’ve ever felt this blessed and disappointed at the same time before. This morning, I had an absolutely amazing day at work and got to do some things no other Red Wings interns had gotten to do yet this year and I was in such a fantastic mood. I have been blessed with the gift of an internship that I absolutely love. But I’ve also been blessed with amazing family. My parents told me that they would do whatever it takes to get this surgery whether it’s appealing to the external board review, filing a civil lawsuit, or paying for the surgery themselves if all that falls through and my dad said he’d even be willing to sell his beloved ‘63 Corvette to help pay for my surgery (now that’s love!).

If my family ends up having to pay for it, money will be incredibly tight and we will all have to make some sacrifices. But I’m 21 years old with arthritis. I can’t stand or walk without pain. And biking, swimming, and using the elliptical are completely out of the question. If the other avenues fall through, I would have to wait 20+ years before I would be old enough for a knee replacement. And that’s why my parents are willing to make huge financial sacrifices to pay for that surgery. Hopefully, it will not get to that point because I don’t want to be a strain on my family and their budget.

Between the support of my family and all of my friends (including the many of you have sent words of support over the last month), I feel so incredibly blessed. At the same time, I feel so disappointed. It has been a very emotionally draining experience and it has now been almost four years since I first knew I needed this operation. I want so badly to be able to walk and stand with little to no pain that it is disappointing when you see insurance deny you this request three times. But I know that God has a wonderful plan for me so I will choose to focus on the blessings in my life rather than the disappointments.

“I will praise You in this storm…”
- Casting Crowns

This past weekend, I was able to go on New Life Church’s CORE leadership retreat. It was a great 24 hours praising God, listening to some great talks, and talking/playing games with these wonderful people. I was also able to get away for almost an hour and a half and just collect my thoughts and go over some of the things that the pastors had said. Here is what I wrote during that hour and a half (and they all relate to my chronic knee pain in terms of self-confidence and trusting God through this hardship), which is why they are being posted here)…

“So I live in this earthly body by trusting in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me.”
- Galatians 2:20

Sometimes I forget how much God truly loves me. And by forgetting that incredibly crucial fact, I allow myself to point to my flaws and imperfections. I look at how I don’t measure up and how so many of my peers are doing better at X and Y (even though I know I shouldn’t be comparing myself to others). I sometimes struggle to see why He loves me this much when He is God, the creator of this amazingly and incredibly intricate universe.

“For we are God’s masterpiece.
- Ephesians 2:10a

I, Christy Hammond, am God’s masterpiece. I was fearfully and wonderfully made. God loves me so much that He sent his son to die for me! Despite the many things wrong with me, I am beautifully broken. Despite this, God still loves me. Me.

If Jesus was willing to die for me, I must be pretty special. If I’m pretty special, I need to recognize and honor that with my thoughts and actions. And if He’s done all this for me, why can’t I trust Him in this area of my life? He has done so much for me. He has blessed me in a variety of ways and has given me so much. He made this world. He made me. He makes sure the sparrows are fed so why am I struggling to put my complete trust in God about my knee insurance issue?

God, I want to trust you. I know you have a beautiful and wonderful plan for my life. Please allow me to trust in your plan even if it’s not the outcome I am hoping for.

“But those who trust in the Lord will find new strength. They will soar high on wings like eagles. They will run and not grow weary. They will walk and not faint.”
- Isaiah 40:31

By placing my trust and hope in God, He will support me and give me strength to get through this hard time.

“Though the Lord gave you adversity for food and suffering for drink, He will still be with you to teach you. You will see your teacher with your own eyes.”
- Isaiah 30:20

God, what are you trying to teach me through this hardship?

“Why am I discouraged? Why is my heart so sad? I will put my hope in God! I will praise Him again - my Savior and my God! I hear the tumult of the raging seas as your waves and surging tides sweep over me. But each day the Lord pours his unfailing love upon me and through each night I sing his songs, praying to God who gives me life.”
- Psalm 42:5, 7-8

Even though the pain may seem to overwhelm my body and heart, God’s unfailing love encases me, encouraging me to pass this test.

“I am bent over and racked with pain. All day long I walk around filled with grief…I am exhausted and completely crushed. My groans come from an anguished heart. You know what I long for, Lord; you hear my every sigh…I am on the verge of collapse facing constant pain…Come quickly to help me, O Lord my Savior.”
- Psalm 38:6, 8-9, 17, 22

You know the desires of my heart. You know that I long for a surgery to make this constant pain more bearable. Please let this arbiter approve the surgery if it’s your will. If not, please give me the insight and understanding as to why it’s not the correct path for me.

“Cry out for insight, and ask for understanding…Trust in the Lord with all your heart; do not depend on your own understanding. Seek his will in all you do, and he will show you which path to take…Then you will have healing for your body and strength for your bones.”
- Proverbs 2:3, 3:5-6, 8

“Faith is the confidence that what we hope for will actually happen; it gives us assurance about things we cannot see.”
- Hebrews 11:1

I was reading a chapter/meditation from the book Peace in the Storm by Maureen Pratt about the sting of unkind remarks. In this chapter, she described how she asked an employee at a service shop to carry a computer to her car. He asked where she was parked and she told him where her car was (in a handicap spot behind the store). The employee immediately told her she couldn’t park there despite the fact she had a handicap placard. He glared at her while saying she wasn’t disabled. She wanted to get mad, but knew that’s not how God would want her to react. She managed to calmly explain to his supervisor that she had Lupus, which like a serious heart condition or asthma, her disability was internal.

I have had numerous similar situations and can’t say I acted as calmly and appropriately as Maureen. I remember one time I had just parked my SUV in a handicap spot and started walking towards my college dorm. A gentleman in his 40s came up to me accusing me that I shouldn’t have parked there because I’m not disabled and I don’t have a placard. In a frustrated tone, I told him that I did, in fact, have a placard and pointed to my car. I then pulled up my sweatpant leg and pointed to the scars on my knee. I retorted that I had had 9 knee surgeries and had been in chronic pain since 2003. Not surprisingly, the man didn’t apologize and just walked away. I was angry for the rest of the day. In fact, I was actually shaking right after that because I couldn’t believe someone had the nerve to say something like that when my pain was such a constant and hard experience in my life.

Had I responded in a better way like Maureen did, I’d bet that the gentleman would have apologized and probably would have gone away having learned something. I also bet he probably wouldn’t ask anyone else about why they parked in a handicap spot. Instead, he walked away angry. I had a chance to act Christlike and completely blew it. I was angry and short with him instead of remaining calm.

When you’re in a lot of pain and especially having a bad pain day (like I was that day), it’s easy to get emotional and allow the anger to overtake you. I just need to remind myself not to respond to his unkind and harsh words with similar anger, but to be Christlike in my response and try to control my anger in these kinds of situations.

“A mild answer calms wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.” - Proverbs 15:1

I hope that if another similar situation in the future arises, I will act more like Maureen and ultimately more like Christ.

I am currently reading the book by Lee Strobel entitled The Case for Faith, a journalist investigates the toughest objections to Christianity. There are eight objections he looks at and the first one was “Since evil and suffering exist, a loving God cannot.” It was a great chapter, which I’d highly recommend reading. I am going to include my favorite quotes from the text below and then answer the discussion questions, which were in the text immediately following this first chapter.

“I commissioned George Barna, the public-opinion pollster, to conduct a national survey in which he asked a scientifically selected cross-section of adults, ‘If you could ask God only one question and you knew he would give you an answer, what would you ask?’ The top response offered by 17 percent of those who said they had a question, was: ‘Why is there pain and suffering in the world?’”
- p. 29

I have read the book by Philip Yancey, Where Is God When It Hurts?, which addresses that very question. I’ve read the book twice now and have learned something new in both reads. Understandably, I think it makes sense why that question would be the most common one to want to ask God. Pain and suffering hurts and at times, it can be hard to imagine a loving God who would allow suffering and pain in this world.

“I believe all suffering contains at least the opportunity for good, but not everyone actualizes that potential. Not all of us learn and benefit from suffering; that’s where free will comes in.”
- p. 45

Catholic philosopher Peter Kreeft and author of Making Sense Out of Suffering then goes on to say in his interview with Strobel:

“And if he did that [being involved in the act of creating a world of suffering] and then just sat back and said, ‘Well, it’s your fault after all’ - although he’d be perfectly justified in doing that - I don’t see how we could love him. The fact that he went beyond justice and quite incredibly took all the suffering upon himself, makes him so winsome that the answer to suffering is -” Kreeft’s eyes darted around the room as he search for the right words. “The answer,” he said, “is…how could you not love this being who went the extra mile, who practiced more than he preached, who entered into our world, who suffered our pains, who offers himself to us in the midst of our sorrows? What more could he do?” … “God’s answer to the problem of suffering is that he came right down into it.”

Just earlier this week, I reflected on how God took on suffering for us and how he can empathize with the pain we are going through. The thing is, he never had to do that but he chose to do so because he loves us that much. Isn’t that just a great feeling to know that the Creator of this amazingly intricate universe came and took on that incredible burden of suffering for us because his love is that great?

Discussion Questions
Strobel included four questions at the end of the chapter for discussion. Today, I only have time to answer the first question, which really contains four questions itself.

“How have difficulties, challenges, and even pain shaped your character and values? How are you different today as a result of the problems you’ve had to face in life? Can you ever imagine thanking God someday for how suffering has molded you? Kreeft said, ‘I believe all suffering contains at least the opportunity for good.’ Was that true in your case?”

As I have mentioned in previous blog posts, my character and values have been widely shaped by trials and tribulations resulting in pain. I grew up in a Christian household with amazing parents and attended a Christian private school up through eighth grade so a lot of my moral values have originated from that background. However, I would say that I have been shaped since first hurting my knee in eighth grade. Overall, I am more disciplined, humble, kind, compassionate, thankful, reliant on God, and just a “better person” because of the trials I have gone through. I am not at all saying I am perfect. In fact, I have a long ways to go in that department because I make mistakes on a daily basis. I believe I would’ve gone down a much different road in my life had I not gone through so many knee surgeries and then started dealing with chronic pain. I have learned a lot from my pain and suffering. While it certainly hasn’t been pleasant, it has taught me a lot of things about myself and even who my true friends were. In fact in Hebrews 5:8 (NLT), the Bible tells us that even Jesus himself learned through suffering.

“Even though Jesus was God’s Son, he learned obedience from the things he suffered.”

Could I ever imagine thanking God someday for my suffering? Yes. As crazy as it sometimes feels to say it, I already do at times. When I’m in the midst of a big flare up, I can’t say I am actively thanking God for the pain. However, it some of my better moments when my mind is the most clear, I can look back and reflect on the journey I have come on so far. My suffering has changed me and I think for the better. So for that, I would have to thank God for doing so in my life.

I most definitely believe that all suffering contains some opportunity for good. Yes suffering sucks, but good can come out of it whether it’s inspiring someone else with how you live despite the pain or its a positive change in your life or your life just taking a different path than it otherwise would have without the moment of suffering. Take for example a favorite athlete of mine, Lance Armstrong. In his 20s, he was diagnosed with testicular cancer that had spread to his lungs and even his brain. Before his diagnosis, Lance was a top professional bicyclist with a great future ahead of him. While fighting cancer, he thought he might die and thus never be able to ride again. Fortunately for us, he was able to beat cancer. In fact, cancer re-shaped his body in a way that better suited him for the sport of cycling. He went on to win a record seven straight Tour de France titles. He used his newfound fame to start the Lance Armstrong Foundation and LiveStrong. LiveStrong became an inspirational mantra for people everywhere (not just cancer patients) and he has sold over 50 million wristbands. Now that he has retired, he has taken his fight against cancer national in trying to raise money for research as well as trying to pass legislation increasing research funds among many things. Lance never would’ve had such a successful career or foundation had it not been for his moment of intense suffering. While Lance’s story may be an “extreme” case of the good that can come out of suffering, I truly believe that there is an opportunity for good in every person’s pain and suffering.

In honor of Thanksgiving, I want to mention a few things I am thankful for on this holiday.

“Enter his gates with thanksgiving and his courts with praise; give thanks to him and praise his name. For the LORD is good and his love endures forever; his faithfulness continues through all generations.”
- Psalm 100:4-5